The Fuzzy White Stick

Boundaries—Are You a Victim or a Violator?

Do you remember when you had your favorite lollipop or tootsie pop, sometimes referred to as a sucker? You licked and sometimes crunched until all the candy was gone. Despite that, you kept licking, hoping there was just a tiny bit of candy or flavor left. When you finally removed the stick from your mouth, you probably looked at it more closely to see if there was any candy left on it at all. If you paid attention, you might have noticed that the stick was beginning to get fuzzy from all that licking. If nothing else, you concluded all the good stuff was gone, and then you threw the stick away.

How many times do you extend yourself to others? How many times is it the same person with the same issue? You spend much time giving to someone, hoping and praying that you will see some change and growth. As time passes, you realize that the person is still coming to you and doing nothing to help themselves or their situation, which leaves you with the impression that you are being exploited.

As much as you want to blame the individual for taking advantage of you, you have to take some responsibility. Your actions made the lollipop seem so appealing to this individual, causing him/her to return to serve themselves. Suddenly, you realize you have no more candy left, only a fuzzy white stick.

At this point, if it were an actual lollipop, the stick would be discarded. Who wants that? Besides serving as a reminder of what is gone, what useful purpose does the fuzzy white stick serve? Surely, you do not want to be seen as disposable. In the same manner, do not cause others to become fuzzy white sticks after they encounter you.

Therefore, you must be wise and discerning when deciding whom and how to help. And equally, exercise sound judgment when seeking others to help you. After all, you want to always have a little candy leftover for someone else and not be just another "sucker" who is down to the fuzzy white stick.

So, take a little inventory and ask yourself, "How fuzzy is my stick? Am I causing someone else to have a fuzzy white stick? What steps will I take to ensure that my white stick does not get fuzzy or that someone's stick does not get fuzzy because of my actions?"

It is a win-win if no one is left feeling like a Fuzzy White Stick.

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Victim or Violator

We live perhaps never understanding why connections in our lives may sometimes be as perfect as a tailored hem in a garment or as frayed as a pair of ripped pants. Whichever garment your relationships may look like, know that some behaviors influence the relationships to resemble the garment itself. In essence, are you allowing your relationships to flourish or flounder because of your behavior?

This article provides a brief opportunity to consider how you may have conducted yourself in similar situations and determine whether you have been a victim or a violator of the boundaries. In the past, your actions may have been benign and may have gone unnoticed. Whatever your conclusion, consider implementing changes based on the noted understanding of boundaries, how they work within relationships, and the potential remedies associated with them.

How many times have you encountered interactions that were so out of character that they threw you off your guard? In those moments, you probably asked yourself the following questions:

▪ Why did that happen?

▪ Why is my co-worker talking to me in this manner?

▪ Why is my friend behaving this way towards me?

▪ What have I done to deserve this?

These are all interesting questions. However, I would ask, "What did you do that made them feel comfortable treating you that way"?

Before answering that question, it might be wise to take a moment to think about boundaries and how they work. Just as lines on the road serve as boundaries to ensure a safe drive, boundaries in life serve to protect you. They are not necessarily physical like road lines, but their purpose is to protect your integrity and emotional wellbeing. So, if you notice or experience interactions that are going awry, know that boundaries are not secured or in place. However, you will not get stuck, because there is help for the connections that are skidding off the road.

As long as we exist in this world, we must engage with others for reasons too numerous to mention. The degree to which we interact with others can vary from once in a lifetime to every day and all day long. The importance of the relationship will dictate our perception of how the relationship and the level of respect should work. In general, we do not expect the same level of interaction from colleagues as we do from family members. As a result of our relationships, we have expectations about how we will treat one another and how that experience will be.

How we experience people can be fun, respectful, enlightening, or extremely uncomfortable for various reasons. Yet, unpleasant encounters frequently result from unfamiliarity, miscommunication, or overstepping established boundaries. A breach of boundaries is common for several reasons, particularly when there is no understanding of what those boundaries are. Having no clear understanding of the boundaries and where they should be constituted, will contaminate relationships, including those with family, friends, and colleagues. Boundaries refer to how you define what is comfortable or uncomfortable for you in terms of how you'd like to be treated in a relationship.

In many cases, we do not realize that we do not like how some people treat us until we are fed up with their behavior. In response, we may choose not to interact with that person, or in times of frustration, we may lash out at them. Unfortunately, that is not always an option or even appropriate. The separation may not be feasible if the behavior is displayed by a close relative or by a co-worker.

While there are times when terminating connections makes sense, implementing boundaries is a better method to handle interactions that are not beneficial. This involves letting others know which interactions you will accept and which you will not. To achieve this, you must examine yourself thoroughly and identify which behaviors you exhibit that may contribute to boundary violations. Are you saying "okay" when you are not "okay" with whatever is happening? Are you remaining silent when it is time for you to be included or excluded in certain events or decision-making opportunities? Or are you often participating in connections unwillingly or with regret?

With this understanding of how boundaries work, it is equally important to recognize as they exist, one can be a victim or a violator. Neither title is one to be proud of, and in either role, one can overcome being the victim or the violator.

A Victim of Boundary Violations

When you are a victim of boundary violations, you encounter others who behave in a way that makes you uncomfortable. When this happens, the other person usually receives the blame. Nonetheless, the person who feels like a victim has a role in the problem when the violations occur repeatedly. To move from victim to victory from boundary perpetrators, you must create, connect, and convey.

Create within yourself a sense of what behaviors or treatments you will accept. Acknowledge when you are offended by something someone has said or done towards you. Perhaps you concluded that similar experiences have happened in the past, but you did not react. The fact that you are bothered by it now is an awareness you must address within you. Consider why it bothers you this time. What you would prefer to happen instead, and what will you do if it happens again.

Connect with others as you would like others to respect you. As you begin to identify behaviors you do not want to accept from others, make sure that you do not display similar behavior toward others. For example, you cannot be the one that consistently talks over others and expects them to listen to you. Therefore, if you want to be heard, start listening respectfully to those with whom you interact. Act in a way that is conducive to mutual respect. Clear and considerate communication within relationships helps preserve healthy boundaries for all parties.

Convey the desired behavior or preferred engagement to those with whom you interact. You have decided what your boundaries are; however, you can expect them to be violated if you are the only one who knows what they are. Be explicit about what interactions are acceptable and not acceptable. Your position on boundaries can be conveyed verbally and non-verbally, starting with your own words and actions. Secondly, make it known to others when their behavior offends you. It does not have to be a confrontational or aggressive stance, nor does it have to be communicated at the moment. It is not about being assertive to the point where your response becomes a distraction, but rather about making your point understood.

Violating Boundaries

On the contrary, if you violate established boundaries toward others, much introspection is necessary to determine how you have come to be in this position. Hopefully, when you show up in your connections as a boundary violator, others will stop you right away. If they do not, it may mean they do not care about you and will let you continue to portray yourself in a negative light, or they may not bring to your attention the offense because they are unprepared for it. Either way, they will likely distance themselves from you, and any further crossing of the line will be considered abuse.

In other situations where you are violating boundaries and people stop you, listening to them is the most effective course of action. Before taking any action, even apologizing, it is imperative to listen cautiously and understand their boundaries. This understanding will make it possible to correct the behavior and decrease the likelihood of repetition. Your adapted position to move from violator to victory must open you up to enlighten, engage, and exemplify.

Enlighten yourself about the world of boundaries, why they exist, how they work, and why it is necessary to set them and avoid their violation. Find out what healthy boundaries are and what they are not, as well as why they may be more important to some people than others. When you learn you have violated a boundary, ask yourself why you may not have considered that to be a mistake.

Take into consideration whether it is because you do not understand what a boundary is or because it is something you are used to doing, so you naturally repeat it. Maybe no one has challenged you to change your behavior, so you are unaware that the action is inappropriate. Examine how often you cross the line and the relationship between you and those you violate. This examination will lead to corrective action.

Engage with others using your new understanding of boundaries. It will not be an instant change if you have been a perpetrator, but instead, put in autocorrection after you become aware and rectify the violation. Reflect on your daily interactions. The exchanges that resonate with you as a possible perpetrator require attention. Permit an accountability partner to show you snapshots of times you missed the mark of respecting boundaries. Use the reflective moments and snapshots as learning opportunities. Consider moments where you could change what happened if you had a second chance. You might also want to consider any connections in which you may be the aggressor and find new ways of engaging so that boundaries are respected.

Exemplify behavior that lends itself to mutual respect for boundaries. Listen carefully to those you are interacting with, as they will be in the best position to explain how you may have offended them. If you have a reputation of being a perpetrator, show those with whom you frequently interact that you are sincere about showing up better in your connections by checking in with them. As you engage in meaningful relationships that matter to you, ask them to observe what they see and share their observations. Seek understanding from the victim regarding how you violated them or from feedback from an unbiased party and be willing to change, be flexible and reconcile in earnest.

A Victim and Violator Simultaneously in Action

Feeling like a victim whose boundaries are not respected may look like something that happened to you. Often, the first thing that comes to the mind of a boundary violator is what it has done to others. But let us take another view of the victim/violator of boundaries. When you are fully participating in relationships and have not identified boundaries or ensured that they are clear and definitive, identifying the violator may be skewed. The other person may be viewed as a violator because they disregard what is in place. However, you have to give pause and acknowledge that you are a victim of your violation against yourself. At this moment, you are probably wondering how this is possible.

In fact, this is clear when thoroughly examining the connections in your life where you may feel like the victim, yet an objective assessment reveals otherwise. When boundaries do not exist or lack clarity, others find it difficult to discern what limits exist or how they may be crossed. You are responsible for the safety of your life and relationships on this road. So, much like lines on the roadway provide a guide for staying in your lane, sometimes guard rails are necessary to ensure that extra level of safety and protection.

You may have minimal impact when driving outside the lanes; however, an encounter with a guard rail may have a tremendous outcome that may lead to significant changes. So, to avoid victimizing yourself by your violations, you have to start with lines on the road. Communicate what your boundaries are for the various relationships in your life. For instance, clearly state how you wish to be spoken to or treated. If the lines are still being crossed, consider adding guardrails that will further establish the boundaries or provide specifics and clarity around your boundary expectations.

In cases where someone interrupts you when you are speaking, you have an opportunity to let them know that mutual respect is essential to further engagement; but, if the disrespect continues, further interaction will not be possible. Using this method will allow anyone who may not have understood your boundaries to be jolted by the guardrail, highlighting the specifics of your limitations and any possible consequences. Be very clear. Failing to communicate your boundary needs makes you a boundary violator. You are ultimately responsible for how you show up in your relationships and for creating expectations for how others exist in your connections.

Respecting Boundaries

To eliminate any struggle you may have with boundaries or commanding that your boundaries be respected, here are three tips you can implement right now. To avoid wearing the dual hat of both victim and violator, create respect for boundaries in your interactions, and plan for successful outcomes, you must reveal and reiterate the required boundaries, and revoke access and availability.

Reveal your needed boundaries. There will be common boundaries and requirements appropriate for every relationship, and there may be some additional requirements that are necessary according to the type of relationship. The most common boundaries will include mutual respect, connecting on commonalities, and/or the purpose you are brought together. The additional restrictions may pertain to personal preferences for accomplishing tasks, attending certain events, or managing a particular relationship that requires collaboration. Again, for the purpose for which you are brought together, additional boundaries may be necessary to attain the desired outcome.

Reiterate the boundary that will render the preferred treatment when interacting. Maintaining a healthy relationship that involves boundaries is much like a dance. When you and others seem to be dancing to the same tune as you interact, you conclude that you have communicated your boundaries. Occasionally, you may have a “hiccup,” in which something happens that raises questions about whether or not the boundaries were clearly understood. By the actions of others, you feel that the boundaries you believed were clearly defined have now been broken. Now is the time when you must connect with the alleged violator to express how you feel boundaries have been violated and to reiterate the specifics of how they should be respected.

Revoke access and availability to you when your boundaries are repeatedly compromised. In assessing if your boundaries are being disregarded, be sure to evaluate whether you have communicated them clearly. Upon assuring you have done so, consider restating the expectations needed for this particular relationship/connection. When you have followed the prescription for healthy boundaries, the next step is to have consequences for repeat offenders—those who do not respect your concerns and needs for identified boundaries. Your failure to manage the boundaries within your relationships will result in unfulfilled expectations and unhealthy relationships.

Conclusion

At this point, you have had many experiences upon which you can reflect. You may recall times when you felt your boundaries were not respected when reflecting. Explore further on such remembrances and determine whether boundaries existed and whether they were crossed; and if so, why? Deep reflection will allow you to assess whether you should have held ill will towards someone or a situation. With this greater understanding of boundaries, you may need to permit yourself to let go of what appeared to be a past aggression committed by someone else or forgive yourself for not establishing the boundaries that will garner the respect you desire in relationships.

Consequently, these lessons will equip you with the ability to create mutually beneficial relationships in the future, as you will have a clear vision of what constitutes boundaries, who sets them, and who is responsible for maintaining them. In every situation, whether you are the victim or the violator, you have a responsibility to set the tone and manage what happens within the connections with others.

In summary, if you have been a victim or a violator of others' boundaries or boundaries that you have set for yourself, the ideas presented in this article will help you to be victorious in keeping your boundaries respected. Ensure successful outcomes in your interactions by establishing clear boundaries and guardrails, as necessary, so no one is left feeling like a Fuzzy White Stick.

Schedule your coaching session at justjolinda.com for help managing your Fuzzy White Stick relationships.

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